Not A Man?

I sometimes wonder, how far I will fall.  I realize there is an element of self fulfilling prophecy at work in that thought, but if I’m being honest, I wonder how far I will fall.  I agonize over how bad things can get, how humiliated I’ll be.  I’m talking about my financial struggles.  I’ve written about it before, and I hope there’s not a lot more of these articles that I’m gonna need to write….need to write…I NEED TO WRITE.  That’s it, I need to write.

This blog is as much about me talking myself out of a funk as it is anything else.  I’ve said it before “teach what you need to learn”.  So, I’m teaching…or writing…hoping I can find myself.  I know there are many, many people affected by this recession, a lot of them worse than me.  I don’t pretend I’m the lone victim of those Wall St. vampires.  Still when I go to bed at night, not knowing where my next dollar is coming from, being aware of other hardships doesn’t help me sleep better…if anything it makes me hurt more…and hurt is something I do not need more of.

I’m a man of many talents, I’m not bragging…it’s just true.  I work hard…and I always (almost always) have.  I have read many positive thinking and motivational books.  I’ve been to seminars, hell…I have considered creating seminars.  Still here I am, at the edge…at a place I wouldn’t have imagined a couple of years ago, when I could buy pretty much anything I really wanted.  Now every week brings more pressure.  I have grown to hate the mail.  I let envelopes pile up, because past due balances depress me, and I NEVER answer a 1-800 call…because they have questions, that I don’t have answers for.

So here I am with the walls closing in on me…and I know it sounds dramatic (I have a knack for that), but I feel like I can’t breathe.  I feel like a loser…I feel like…I’m not a man. As that thought takes shape in my mind, another one says ‘HOLD UP!!!  You’re not a man???…You’re a loser???…You could not be more wrong!!!’  It’s so easy for me to forget what I’m made of when I’m pushed to the edge.  It’s so easy to forget that planets and stars, quasars and galaxies, mountains, oceans, and the mighty creatures on them and in them can not compare to me. I am God’s crowning achievement, we all are.  Fully able to crush obstacles and make possible, what no one thought could be done.

But I cannot lie…right now I feel like crap.  It’s OK though…because I won’t quit on myself.  This feeling will not last.  I don’t know when the sun will rise, but I know it will.  I’m afraid (yeah…men can be scared), I’m afraid of what will happen to me.. if I lose my car…my home…I’m afraid, that if I ever have to ask a friend for something to eat…My spirit may never recover.

Then I remember who I am.  I remember where I come from, and what I’m made of.  I am a man, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.  I have great things to do, awesome goals to accomplish…and I intend to check every one of them off my list.  This much I know…things are hard now…REALLY hard…but hard times NEVER last forever…and because I won’t quit  I will win.  I won’t except any else but to win.  I know where I come from…strike that…I know where we come from.

Stay Fly and Fly High!
KLH

Ken Harge

Ken Harge

Founder at So Little Time
Hey there, my name is Ken Harge. I'm a music producer, songwriter, singer, keyboardist, and I do rap...I really do.I'm a blogger,a lover AND a fighter (not literally), I've hosted a local access cable TV show, I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan and bake it into an UNBELIEVEABLE lobster macaroni and cheese.

I believe I was put here on this earth to teach people how to live bigger, better, and more awesome lives. I am not always right but I always have something to say…and I am here to say it. I want to change the world, and I know that I can with a little help from my friends. So, I created The MInd of KLH blog to inform and spark the imagination of anyone desiring a world full of possibilities realized.One Love...Really!

Email – klhoud1@comcast.net
Face Book – Ken Harge
Twitter - @klhoud
Blog – TheMindOfKLH.com
You Tube Channel – The KLH Show
Ken Harge

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10 Comments

  1. Hey Ken,

    Wow, thanks for this brutally honest post. I’m very sorry for your struggles. While I’m not rolling in the dough, I worry about finances, but I know not to the degree that you are now dealing with. So many people are feeilng these bad economic times–you certainly are not alone–not sure that helps.

    I don’t know you that well, but through your words, and your cable shows, I see a very strong man, who will, as you say here, overcome and not be crushed by the harsh reality of your financial struggles. I believe that you will have someone there for you if you do fall–I believe we all will, or at least that is my hope for us all.

    Take care, my friend.

  2. Kenny there’s a song we sing in church and the verse says “I’m so glad troubles dont last always”. My heart aches for u right now because I been where u are and I know what it feels like. I may not be 100% back to where I was but Im definitely not at rock bottom and neither are you. You will get through this and be just fine. Continue to pray and so will I. God’s Got Ur Back. Love Ya!!!!!!

  3. I Love it when you express yourself, sometimes I agree with what you say and sometimes I do.. I feel your pain, yet I know just being able to express yourself gives you strength and hope. Sometimes God has to allow us to go way down so when he lift us back up we will truly appreciate what we have. Remember when God bless us it’s not for us so much, but to help others. There are more blessings than you will be able to handle coming your way. As far as loosing your home, know with all the foreclosurers happening it can takes years before you have to leave your home if it comes to that. If you lose your car, walking never hurt anyone, look at it as your way of losing weight. There is to much food in this world for anyone to go hungry so that isn’t happening either. I do know this like you stated times are hard for you right now and you know there is someone somewhere who have it worst!! When that blessing smack you in the face let me know…. Praying my Friend…

  4. I appreciate the feedback…Peace!!!

  5. Kenny Im not gonna get Sappy for lack of a better word!! God will never give u a burden u cant bare!! Kenny pray for some guidance will all else humanly possible has failed! !!!!! If your hungry you no where i live! Word!!!

  6. Ken,

    What a great introspective piece! I hope it help you to alleviate some of the burden even though its temporary. I have been waiting for this economy to blow over since 2001! (Silly me.) So the econominc choices I have made are not the best…we may not be in the same boat but I see ya bruh! Keep the faith, pray, and order your steps toward economic and emotional recovery! xoxxo

  7. Honesty is the root of all good writing…… Everything is temporary.. and Nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems when we are in the midst of it… Our only job is to get up another day and do the best we can.. Everything else will happen according to Gods will for you.. for us… I have faith in you… I am here reading andI know this feeling too well… But you said it.. the sun will rise again .. and you will rise with it.. one day at a time

  8. I’ll start by saying Welcome to the club….ur not alone!.Not a man? Which really u are saying u are a man…a man that wears his heart on his sleeve,and as u have said many times,not afraid to say it ,and be sensitive(runs in the family).I believe u truly feel u r a man, u r just talking out loud! What I always tell my children and friends that feel like they wanna give up, what I still have to do is hold on for ONE more day, and the day before doesn’t seem so bad.The song that encourages me is.”I won’t complain”
    What u are is a man that has been there for me for years time and time again when my children were growing up,needed a father figure,even if it sometimes resulted in a compromised relationship,u have been my rock in certain situations.Will always be grateful for that.
    Everyone like u said is going through these difficult times and more,and it’s ok and to be admired to feel down about it, and to keep movin…..I’m going thru things and more,and what makes you MORE of a “MAN” than me is that I on the other hand ,hold it all in….let a few tears out sometimes a litte anger ,cause I feel I have to let a little out or I will explode! To Sum it all up you are MORE than a man, You are my BROTHER!,
    Love,your sister..:)

  9. You all are so awesome…thanks so much for the love and support!!!!!!!!

  10. Due to Les’ post on FB, today is the 1st day I have read any of your writing. I know it was a few months ago when you wrote this and I am truly hoping things have gotten a little easier for you financially since then.
    I will add you to my prayers. As for not feeling like a man, you couldn’t be any further from the truth. I am raising my son alone because his Dad turned his back on him years ago. He is not a man. I have known of and have been the victim of abuse. They were not men. I see grown males not even trying to find work to care for themselves and their families. They are not men. People living off the system one generation after another. They are not men or women. If you love God, care for your family, try to provide, communicate with words instead of with your fists, treat others with dignity and respect…,you are a MAN …. Hold your head up high and strive each day to live well. Thats all you can do.

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